Probably my most honest post.... But not my most positive.

My grandad drove my to a doctor's appointment Thursday, and as we were pulling out of the driveway, he commented "It just isn't fair that you have to go through this." He is right, I feel the same way.  It isn't fair.  It isn't fair that I can't be a normal 24 year old girl.  It isn't fair that I wanted to go to the mall with my fiance Friday and had to cut our trip short because I felt bad.  It isn't fair that I can't exercise and do things I enjoy because of my illness.

Another side effect of endometriosis: Depression.

Today, my pain was off the charts, I was so dizzy that I couldn't do much, and I still can't keep down any food.  My doctor told me Thursday to call her if these symptoms are still present by Monday, so I did.  I received a call back telling me to go to the ER.  This time, I put my foot down.  NO.  It has been a never ending cycle lately.  They tell me to go to the ER, the ER tells me to follow up with my doctor, and here we are again.  I am so sick of the ER, hospitals, and doctors offices.  All they do is try to feed me medicine, cut me open once in awhile, and tell me what I already know: "You have Endometriosis."  Uh, duh.  Thats why I am here.

To top it off, I think that Jake & I have caught a small stomach virus, he is starting to feel better.

I don't though.  I have days like this every now and then, and they are becoming more and more frequent, so I need to vent....

This illness has ruined my life at this point.  Thats all I can really say.  I'm sad about it.  I started crying Friday, and haven't stopped much since.  This is no quality of life to have.  Absolutley not.  I'm not suicidal by any means, but at this point, when I go to bed at night, I don't really care if I wake up in the morning.  Why should I if it isn't going to get any better.  I keep hearing people tell me that it WILL get better, it WILL get better, but seriously??  It doesn't seem like it will right now.  I don't really want to know that it WILL get better, I want to know WHEN it will get better.

I am supposed to be in school, I just moved in with my grandparents, and I am supposed to be planning my wedding that will be happening at the end of the year.  How am I supposed to enjoy any of that right now??  I don't have the energy, or the strength.  I don't have the positive mood right now.  Do I want to be laying in bed??  Hurting and crying??  NO.  I want to be enjoying my time with my grandparents, or at my church.  I want to be able to keep food down.  Saturday, my grandma made some of my favorites, I had to enjoy 2 servings, but it all came up less than an hour later.  Sunday, there was a women's event at church I had been looking forward to.  Again, there was some finger foods.  I had to call Jake to come get me because it didn't stay down.  I'm not enjoying life right now and I want to.  I want to know when I will get to.  I have been praying my heart out to find an answer to this since April, and if it isn't his plan for me to be rid of it completley, can't I at least get some relief??

We found a doctor that apparently SPECIALIZES in Endometriosis, so we may call tomorrow and see where that will go.  Or go back to my doctor in Alexandria and see if he can point us in the right direction.

I'm saying it again, I want the hystorectomy.  It isn't worth it anymore.  I've dreamed of being a mom ever since I was young, but it isn't worth my health.  Everybody is telling me to think about it, and I have.  I do not want to live another day feeling like this.  That is the only complete cure.  I want it.  It is hard for me to say, it would be a lot easier if I had kids.  However, I don't care anymore.  I want it.  I want my life back.