This wasn't supposed to happen to me....

A few years ago, I was completley different person.  I was a dancer, a cheerleader.  I loved to work out.  A healthy, bubbly, big blue eyed, redhead who loved to fill every free moment with plans.  I loved to go on drives, go shopping, and if a friend called me saying "Come meet me to play pool right now!!" I had my keys and was on my way right after I got dressed and did a quick mirror check to make sure I looked my best.  I never had to struggle for money, I had a big group of friends, I was a princess who got pretty much anything I wanted.  I guess you could say I was a lucky girl living a charmed life.

That girl is gone now.

Of course, I still have the red hair and blue eyes, I still try to be bubbly and even try to dance once in awhile.  Though at 5'5" and 120 lbs, I'm pretty thin.  My thick head of hair is much thinner than before.  I have to know my plans ahead of time because it takes me a lot longer to take on the day.  My friends stopped calling.  For awhile, I didn't bother to put on makeup or even care if my clothes matched.  I've much improved in that area now, thank goodness.  Though I go with a natural face or a teeny bit of mascara and blush most days, and I keep my clothes pretty casual.

What happened??

That is what this blog is about.  My illness.  I have Borderline Stage 3 Endometriosis.  This isn't just a blog for me to whine about my life, no.  I have several goals.  If you have never heard of the illness, I hope to educate you about it.  Or maybe you know of somebody who has it, or even have a loved one with it, but don't know much about it.  If that is you, I hope to give you an example of what a girl with that disease goes through on a daily basis, so maybe it will be easier for you to lend them some help, support, or a listening ear.  Or, if you are one of the 5-10% of females who also have the illness, I hope I can be a friend to you, and maybe even support you.  If I can touch the heart of, or educate one person, I will be happy.  Maybe I can start a charity for Endometriosis or help work with an organization.  Who knows, maybe I can be a spokesperson for it one day!!

This first blog will be a long one, so grab a soda, kick off your shoes, and get comfy.  I urge you to read it all, though I understand it is long, because the journey started quite some time ago.  If you want to skip the history, then just scroll past all the ictalicized text.

Let's back up.  WAY UP.  Grade School.  There comes the time where you have "the talk" with your parents.  For girls, the talk also includes the basics about menstruation.  I listened, even attended a mother/daughter class.  Now, for whatever reason, getting your period was a big deal.  All the girls chatted with their friends about it "Have you gotten yours yet?!  What does it feel like??  Does it hurt??"  Looking back, I don't know why there was so much excitement over it.  I never did get into the excitement over it.  Maybe because I was the first of my friends to get it, so I discovered early that it wasn't something you looked forward to every month.  I got it at age 10 or 11, and I remember all my friends were jealous about my "being a woman now!!" I never got it.  I dreaded it.

Jump up to middle school.  My health was normal, other than the tri-yearly cases of strep throat I got(For the record, I still somehow have my tonsils).  I was a little rebelious(or maybe "little" is an understatement), I started socially smoking at age 13 because I thought it would impress the older guys and make me look "edgy"(For the other record, it doesn't, and it took me 11 years to quit).  I was a little depressed, probably more than normal, but other than that, I was pretty normal.  I was a dancer, I did gymnastics, cheerleading, played basketball and volleyball, and soccer when they would let me.  I even liked to run.

So here came high school.  The most challenging years of my life.  Again, I was pretty normal, still active in my activities.  Still depressed, but had an okay freshman year.  When things got funny was sophomore year.  I had fainting spells out of nowhere, and things started not to feel right.  Once, out of nowhere, my legs went out on me.  Completley numb for about 6 hours.  I was kept in the hospital for observation overnight and had tests ran, but we never had an explanation.  They said it was psychological, in other words "All in my head".  My mom let me stay home from school the next day, and I returned to what you could say was a teenager's nightmare.  None of my friends were supportive.  They laughed at me and made fun of me.  They thought I made it all up.  My boyfriend had just broken up with me so they thought I was doing it for attention.  I started getting even more depressed.  I continued to have panic attacks and fainting spells but nobody believed me.  It was hard.  I even sat in the bathroom one day during gym class and made several cuts in my own arm.  Of course the other girls found out, and again, made fun of me.  They would laugh when I passed by and mimic the motions of one slashing their wrists.  Even my "best friend" started in on the game.  I still felt terribly weak and when I passed out after running around the track for gym class, the teacher asked my two "friends" to help me.  They did what they were told, but made fun of me, kicked my legs the whole way and said things like "stop faking", "this won't make Steven(not his real name) take you back", "you're just doing this for attention", "go cut your arms some more".  I even got a nasty IM from one of them saying "I hope you die from your fake disease".  I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew something was up.  My periods were irregular.  As in, I would go months without one.  Whenever I did have one, it would only last a couple of days, or for 2 weeks with heavy bleeding the whole time.  On days I didn't have school, I would sleep overnight for 14 hours!! 

I transferred schools my junior year of high school, and I guess I started to feel a tad better, that or I was used to it.  At some point, my mom finally took me to a psychologist and I was diagnosed with depression and put on medicine.  I had another boyfriend at this time(We will call him Matt), and made it clear I did not want to have sexual intercourse until I was married.  He read the side effects to the medicine and read "decreased sex drive" and demanded I stop taking the medicine.  He knew nothing would happen until after we were married(I had a promise ring from him at this point, so we talked about marriage), but instead of being supportive, his words were "I DON'T WANT TO DIE A VIRGIN!!"  I stayed in that abusive relationship for way too long.  I went to a Halloween party with him and I started to feel faint and have really bad pain around my hips and thighs.  At some point I was vomiting in the toilet and begged him to call my mom, but he had gotten drunk and wouldn't listen.  Maybe thats why I can't stand alcohol or the act of people getting drunk to this day.

Finally, my senior year of high school.  I had the same symptoms, the boyfriend was gone.  Only I had something else strange happen.  My appetite decreased dramatically.  I was 108 lbs at one point!!  I just didn't ever feel hungry. 

So, I got used to feeling this way over the next several years and just brushed it off.  Lets skip back to a year ago.

I had a great job that I loved at a private airport(that I won't name), except the boss.  I loved getting up and going to work.  I had a new boyfriend by now who is now my fiance.  His real name is not Jake, but thats what we will call him on here.  I cracked my foot at work, and was ordered to stay at home for about a month and a half(did I also mention I am clumsy?)  I went to visit an old friend of the family one day and all of the sudden the room started spinning.  My chest got heavy, I couldn't breathe, my mouth went dry, I urinated on myself, and had some of the worst pelvic pain of my life.  The family friend called an ambulance.  When I got to the hospital, they told me it was anxiety, and I was fine.  A week later, I was driving home, and stopped by Walgreens.  I got that weak, funny feeling again, and as soon as I got to my car it hit me.  This time it got worse by far.  My whole body, even my nose and lips went numb!!  The pain was so bad I couldn't even talk.  Some kind stranger saw me in distress and again, called an ambulance.  They told me that nothing was wrong with me.  I had parasthesia, a condition that resulted in my brain getting over stimulated from anxiety.  I was fine.

I got fired from my job, in a nutshell, the boss had been looking for a reason to get rid of me all along, he never liked me.  I was a nice person, he was a not so nice person.  A year and a half before that, I had a seizure at that same job, and when I returned to work he said I was "no longer needed".  I was re-hired when he got sent to "management training".  I was all done with my work one day down to cleaning the desk.  It was raining, and there were no customers in the building.  I started a medical journal of my symptoms so that maybe I could show it to my doctor and he could figure it out.  Well, the other front desk girls that he liked better sat and played on their iPhones when they had stacks of paperwork to be done and the building full of customers.  So surely, I could write in my medical journal after all tasks were completed and the building was empty, right??  Wrong.  He demanded I show it to him.  I told him it was private, he cursed at me, and told me he would take it from me.  I told him very respectfully it was private, he called me a bad name then told me to clock out.  I didn't care anymore.  Dealing with him wasn't worth it as much as I loved everything else about the job.

At this point, I was helpless.  I kept having terrible sick days, and they became more and more frequent.  At one point, I had to have a blood transfusion because I had been vomiting so much it ripped up my G.I. tract.  Later that summer, after I lost my job, I got so faint, and fell down my stairs and hit my backbone HARD.  So I went to the hospital to make sure nothing was broken.  They refused to help me.  They thought I was a drug seeker.  Despite the fact that I had not been prescribed ANYTHING related to narcotics since cracking my foot.  Nobody would help me.

I started getting really depressed.  More than I had ever been before.  It was December, and my parents had split up in  '08 so I really missed my mom, who had moved out of state.  None of my friends called me or even texted me anymore, I guess they got tired of me.  I could never go out anymore because at this point I didnt have a single day where I didn't feel bad.  I walked around constantly dizzy.  I had headaches, my pelvic area hurt, my thighs hurt, my lower back hurt.  I told my fiance that I wasn't suicidal, but I just had no desire to live anymore.  Looking back, I stand by that statement.  The way I was living was no quality of life to have.

OKAY, IF YOU SKIPPED PAST ALL THE HISTORY, NOW IS THE POINT TO START READING AGAIN.  READY??  HERE WE GO.

That April, about a week before my birthday, my life changed forever.  It was a blessing in disguise.  Around 9pm that night, I started to have minor cramps.  I went to bed thinking nothing about it, but it bothered me enough to not be able to sleep on my stomach.  I woke up around 5 am sweating, and my stomach hurt.  I thought I just needed to go to the bathroom.  I got up, took about three steps, and fell to the floor.  I was going numb again, so I thought I was having an anxiety attack.  I went back to bed, but the pain kept getting worse, and the "anxiety" kept coming.  I couldn't walk, so I called my fiance and begged him to come take me to the hospital.  When we got there, they admitted me to a room in the ER right away.  They thought maybe my appendix had burst.  It hurt to breathe in.  I hurt in my thighs, vaginal and rectal area(it took me 20 minutes to be able to give them a tiny urine sample) my ribcage was where it hurt when I inhaled and exhaled.  My whole upper back(around my shoulder blades) hurt so bad I couldn't raise my arms.  Oh, and my normally flat stomach was so swollen, I looked 6 months pregnant.  I cried when they laid me on that flat on that table for a CT scan and could barely breathe.  I screamed during the pelvic exam.  They told me I had an ovarian cyst burst and I was admitted into the hospital for 4 days.  They FINALLY gave me some morphine(I normally hate pain meds, but it was nice to be without pain and in la la land for a bit at this point)  The doctor, who we will refer to as "Dr. D" was great in the hospital.  Even right after getting out of the hospital she was great.  Then when I kept having pain, she said "Come back and see me in 6 weeks and we will check again."  So I got a second opinion.  "Dr. H" we will call him.  He was my saving grace.  He put all the symptoms together and my mothers past condition and told me he was 100% positive I had endometriosis, but he had to do surgery to remove it and diagnose it.  So on 7-21-11, we did just that.  Sure enough, he removed severe endometriosis.  It was expected to be on my ovaries and uterus, and it was, but it had also spread to my rectum and bladder.  The pictures were pretty cool to see.  Now for the bad news.  There is no cure for Endometriosis.  A hystorectomy is the only way.  In rare cases, sometimes that doesn't even work.  So it does return, it is just a matter of when.

I felt better the day after the surgery!!  But 3 weeks later, it returned.  All the symptoms.  A biopsy done in the ER one night confirmed it when it came back positive for Endometriosis.  My fiance and I moved to a new city for school, him living in a house, and me living with my grandparents until we get married.  So we had to find a local doctor.  I hated to leave "Dr. H", but I now see who we will call "Dr. S" who is amazing as well.  My next surgery is tomorrow.  We will stop here for now and I will continue to update my progress.  Keep in mind, I am a severe case.  Not everyone with Endometriosis has the symptoms or return rate that I did.  Some women have no pain at all.  This is only my case, so I cannot speak for everyone.

If you want to know more about the illness, try these few links.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis
^Note, if you scroll down, they have a few pictures, if you will read the captions, you will see one with the caption "Chocolate Cyst", which is a cyst filled with blood.  That is the form I have, it is a rarer form.

http://www.endometriosisassn.org/
^ The Endometriosis Association

http://endometriosis.org/endometriosis/
^Explains the condition and how it works.


My e-mail address is on my blog page, so feel free to send a few lines my way.  I don't mind answering any questions, so ask away.  I am always happy to hear from a new friend, or a fellow sister with the same illness. MassieMoscow@gmail.com for those of you that don't want to go looking.  However, any rude comments or insults will not even be read, they will be deleted immediately, so don't even waste your time.

Leave me comments!!  I love feedback and I could really use the support right now!!  I love e-mails, so shoot me a line.  I could use some things to read while I am recovering.